I'd Lie
by Simply.Broken
Summary: I could tell you a lot of things about Draco Malfoy. I could tell you that he's proud, conceited, arrogant, and vain. I could also tell you that I'm crazy about him. But if you ask me if I love him, I'll lie.
1. Chapter 1

**Hey! This new story is going to follow a bunch of songs, starting out with Taylor Swift's song "I'd Lie." I hope you enjoy it. I'll put in the first verse for each chapter. (The verses may not always be in order.)  
**

**Verse:**

**_"I could tell you/ His favorite color's green/ He loves to argue, born on the seventeenth./ His sister's beautiful,/ he has his father's eyes,/ And if you asked me if I love him/ I'd lie."_**

It's nice to be in your last year of school.

I mean, it's still a little terrifying. Like, what are you going to do after school is over? Some people (like me) still haven't decided yet. But it's still a nice feeling to be almost done with homework and detention and always having to obey authority.

I sat in the train compartment and waited until we reached Hogwarts. My toad, Lilian, sat lazily on the windowsill, hopping occasionally when the train rattled too much for her taste. Lilian is a very opinionated toad.

My friends, Cathy and Greg, were asleep, slumping against each other. They were twins. They were kind of goofy and clumsy, and they were the awkward kids who tripped over their shoelaces and knocked their head on the table ledge when they stood up. But they were really smart. Even I, a fellow Ravenclaw, got jealous of them sometimes.

Making sure they didn't see, I peeked out into the corridor and looked into the compartment next to ours. I saw Draco Malfoy, lying down with his head on Pansy Parkinson's lap. I leaned back into my own compartment.

Draco Malfoy. Hmm. How to explain him.

I could tell you that he is proud, conceited, arrogant, vain, and thinks he's better than anyone else. He supports Lord Voldemort so much it scares me. He is one year younger than me.

I could tell you that his favorite color is emerald green. He loves arguing, bullying, and being complimented. He was born on the seventeenth of June. His mother is beautiful, and he looks like his father.

I sighed. I've known Draco since we were kids. Our parents were Death Eaters together. Narcissa Malfoy asked me to keep an eye out for him when he started school. They like me, even though I'm not in Slytherin also. (It makes me very proud to say this.)

Greg snorted in his sleep and then awoke.

"We there yet?" he asked stupidly. I smiled.

"Not quite yet, but you and Cathy should probably wake up. We'll be there in about twenty minutes."

Greg nodded sleepily and nudged Cathy awake.

We talked to each other and joked and played trivia until the train rolled into the station.

Oh, I forgot to say something about Draco Malfoy.

I was crazy about him. But if you asked me if I loved him, I wouldn't even have to think twice. I would lie.


	2. Chapter 2

**Verse: **

**"I don't think that passenger seat/ has ever looked this good to me./ He tells me about his night while I count the colors in his eyes./ He'll never fall in love he swears as he runs his fingers through his hair./ I'm laughing 'cause I hope he's wrong./ And I don't think it ever crossed his mind/ (he tells a joke I fake a smile)/ that I know all his favorite songs."**

At the school, I looked up halfway through my dinner, startled by the arrival of Harry Potter with a bloodied nose. I was going to just ignore it, when I noticed Malfoy starting to snicker as he talked to his friend. I stared pointedly at him, and he gestured that we would talk later.

I finished my dinner, and then my dessert, and then I listened through Dumbledore's speech with growing fatigue. When he finished and sent us off to bed, I couldn't have been happier. I got up and filed out with the other Ravenclaws, and I was completely startled when someone grabbed me from behind.

"Draco!" I exclaimed, my heart beat increasing to an unhealthy level.

"Hey, Carina, let's go. Tradition? Remember?" He smiled. He was so much like a little boy when he was around me with of his friends.

Every new school year, on the very first day, Draco and I would hide out in one of the secret passageways and talk. We didn't see each other very much over the summer, so it gave us a nice time to catch up. Sometimes he would talk about girl troubles; sometimes I would contemplate the theory of evolution (a Muggle idea that has always fascinated me).

We ducked away from the crowd, somehow dodging the teachers' watchful eyes.

Fred and George Weasley had shown me the secret passage once, when...let's just say that they owed me a favor. When Draco came to school in his first year and was upset about something, I asked them to find a place where people could talk without being caught. They found the perfect place.

Although, sitting in it now, I wasn't sure we wouldn't be caught, because Draco was talking so much and so loudly.

He told me all about the train ride to Hogwarts, when he had attempted to leave Harry Potter with a broken nose lying on the floor of the train. While I listened, I counted the colors in his pale eyes.

When he finished, he looked at me, obviously expecting awe and applause and appreciation. He was disappointed.

I shook my head sadly. "Draco, why did you do that?"

His face hardened. "He deserved it."

"Why? Why does he deserve not to go to school and be with his friends, his family?"

"Because he got my father put in Azkaban!" He almost shouted, but remembered at the last minute that we weren't supposed to be out here.

"I am sorry about that, Draco," I said quietly. "I can only imagine how angry I would be if my father was put into jail."

Draco sneered and rolled his eyes. "You wouldn't be angry at all," he snapped. "You being the perfect little I-don't-blame-anyone-for-anything-and-everybody-is-perfect-in-my-eyes."

You know, at times like these, Draco needs to remember that I'm older than he is, and I'm his friend (an indirect protector), and that he always comes running to me like a scolded puppy every time something goes wrong for him, and that he cannot be rude like that to me. So I gave him a warning look powerful enough to make him back off immediately.

"I'll never fall in love," he swore. "Girls are so annoying and they don't understand anything." He ran his fingers through his hair.

I laughed. "Of course you will. Someday, somehow, you will, even if the person you love is an unkind, arrogant, vain, cruel, hideous person with no compassion whatsoever and loves to put you down, you'll fall in love."

I didn't tell him that the reason I was laughing was because I desperately hoped he was wrong.

He smiled.

"On another subject," he said, suddenly very cool and proud, "look."

He pulled up his left sleeve, and I caught my breath.

On his arm was the Dark Mark.

"Draco, you idiot," I said. "Why? Why did you do it?"

He looked at me as though I was crazy. "It's revenge. Against Potter. For what he did to my father."

I shook my head. "Draco, you'll be dead within the year. You shouldn't have done it."

"What do you understand?" he snapped. "You used to be so great, Carina. Now all you're doing is telling me that I did things that were wrong."

"I'm not telling you it was wrong. I'm not telling you it was right. I'm saying it was stupid. And I understand much more about you than you realize."

"Oh yeah? Like what?"

"You're afraid, Draco. You're afraid for your father and for yourself and your mother. You were scared when your father was arrested of what would happen if you didn't seek revenge, but also afraid of what would happen if you did. Only anger fueled your joining the Dark Lord. If you had listened to fear, maybe you wouldn't have."

He scowled. "Carina, tell me something. You're on Lord Voldemort's side, right? So why are you so big on me not joining him?"

"I'm not on the Dark Lord's side, but I'm not against him. I believe that Muggles and wizards are too different for each other, but if they are willing enough and strong enough to fight those differences, then they should, by all means, be together. But for the most part I think they should live separately."

Draco glared. "You don't know anything."

"Don't forget, Draco, that I am older. Just by one year, true, but I have not been as babied as you have been. My parents let me see everything of the world. _Everything_. I saw starving and bombing by Muggles and killing curses since I was three. And I've seen all the good, too. Don't tell me I don't know everything because I think differently than you. And sixteen is still quite the child's age in my eyes."

"You're calling me a child?"

"Yes."

He glared.

"Let's change the subject," I said. "Tell me about something. Anything. Whatever makes you happy."

And somehow he brightened up. He told me all about happy things, although we avoided the topic of Lord Voldemort.

I smiled vaguely as he talked, and wondered if it had ever crossed his mind that...

"Hey, Carina, I heard this awesome joke!"

I faked a smile when he told me and continued my wondering. I wonder if he knows that I know everything about him; his favorite foods, all his opinions, favorite songs?


	3. Chapter 3

**Verse:**

**"He looks around the room,/ innocently overlooks the truth./ Shouldn't a light go on?/ Doesn't he know/ I've had him memorized for so long?/ He sees everything black and white,/ never let's nobody see him cry,/ I don't let nobody see me wishing he was mine."**

Two weeks after school started, I sat in the Great Hall, eating, and watching Draco. He looked around the room. He saw me, realized I'd been watching him, and smiled innocently, totally overlooking the truth. He kept on looking around until Pansy Parkinson came in and sat beside him, and then he proceeded to be his arrogant self.

He's such an idiot. Shouldn't a light should go on, or something, every time he looked at me? My emotions are practically scribbled across my face! He can be thick sometimes.

Cathy nudged me. "Hey, Carina, do you know the answer to this?" She showed me her homework.

I examined it and was about to confess that I didn't, when she exclaimed, "Ooh! I know it!" and began scribbling furiously. Greg had been going constantly at his parchment ever since we sat down to lunch. I need some help with my homework, but I planned on asking them for it after they finished theirs. They can get pretty intense if you interrupt them.

Draco got up and crossed the Great Hall to come and sit next to me. I saw Pansy staring at me, her eyes nearly burning holes in my flesh.

Draco sat next to me, making my heart erupt in wild beatings.

"What's up?" I asked him.

Just a random thought: doesn't he know that I've had him memorized for so many years? Thick-headed boy.

"Tonight, can we talk?" he asked in a voice so low I almost didn't hear him.

"Yeah, sure," I said, trying to keep my voice steady.

He nodded and walked back.

I wondered what he wanted to talk about?

"So what's wrong?" I asked him.

"It's Pansy. I don't know what to do about her."

"What do you mean? You like her, right?"

"Well, yeah, but...she's a little clingy. I don't know how to tell her to back off."

I nearly laughed. Here was the little boy side again. I reached out without thinking and touched his cheek. "You're funny, Draco."

He swatted my hand away. "What's so funny about this?"

"You've asked me about this so many times about so many people! Don't you remember anything I ever tell you?"

"Well, Pansy is weird. She'll either back off so much or she'll get mad and get even worse."

That's Draco for you. He sees everything in black and white.

"When you said you'd never fall in love, were you thinking about Pansy?" I said with a slight smile.

"Yes. I mean, she's nice to pass the time, but definitely not a long-term thing."

I stared at Draco for a minute. This did sound like him. Willing to be with a girl, but only for a short period of time. No one was pretty enough, or smart enough, or willing to be a part of the Death Eaters as much as he. He might fool around with someone but never actually get to the point where he actually cared about them.

He seemed to read my mind. "Oh, come on, Carina. Just because I only want them for a little while does not mean you have to scold me."

"I wasn't going to. Anyways, maybe just drop a few subtle hints to Pansy about backing off. Just enough to that she's unsure about whether or not you want her hanging on you so much, but not enough so that she knows its true. If she really is as extreme as you say, maybe that's the best thing for it."

He smiled. "Sounds good."

"Is that all?" I asked. I could have been wrong, but I thought there was more trouble he hadn't told me about.

"No," he said in a small voice.

"Draco, tell me," I ordered.

"It's my dad," he said quietly. "I can't...I can't take it. My mum is going crazy about him, and about me, and I don't know how to keep her calm, and it feels like if I don't do everything right, I'll be a failure to everyone, and...I don't know."

There was still something he wasn't telling me, but I let it be. I put an arm around his shoulders. "Don't worry about it, Draco. As long as you stay okay, your mum will be fine. I know her. She's absolutely fine, no matter what, as long as her son is safe."

Draco turned his face away, but I knew why. He was crying. He'd never let anybody see him crying, though. He was so intense about nobody ever seeing his tears that you'd think it would be the end of his world if they did. But I understood it. It was the same way that I would never let anyone see me wishing that Draco was mine.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chorus verse (I.e., "I could tell you his favorite color's green," etc.). Just some randomness here.**

I walked through the halls of Hogwarts. A few months into school now. It was a good year so far. Draco and I were getting along really well, even though Pansy was jealous like hell of me. I wasn't really bothered by it, because I know what it's like to be obsessed with Draco Malfoy.

"Hey, Carina!" Draco came running up.

"Hello, Draco," I said, smiling at him. I think I might have seen a tiny flush crawl up his face. I smiled wider.

"Um...we were wondering if you would go with us on the next Hogsmead trip," he said. "You know, my friends and I."

"My friends and me," I corrected. "Sure. I think that would be fun. But if I did, you'd have to be with Greg and Cathy also. They stay with me everywhere."

"Why don't they ever leave you alone?" he demanded.

"Because we're friends, and friends don't like to leave each other alone," I said lightly. This time he definitely flushed. But he turned red because he didn't have any real friends and didn't know what it was like to feel that, and he knew I knew that.

"Well, fine," he grumbled. "I'll see you then."

He walked off snobbishly to his other 'friends' while I shook my head slowly. So proud and arrogant. How had I ever started loving him?

I'd expected Pansy to be there, clinging onto his arm and snarling at me constantly. But she and Goyle had detention, so there weren't as many as I feared. I know if those two had been there, everyone would have been much rowdier. Greg and Cathy managed to stay out of arguments the entire time.

We had fun. Draco and I talked and joked and the only problematic moment was when we passed Potter and his friends. I pulled Draco away, tired of his rivalry with Potter.

At last, we stopped in the Three Broomsticks for a butterbeer. Draco left the table for a moment, and Cathy leaned in to whisper something in my ear.

"You know, Carina, I've been thinking...that Malfoy boy...do you love him?"

"No."

I've told you. I would lie.

He came back to the table, smiling and laughing and looking perfect. I couldn't stop looking at him, which made me glad that Cathy can be thick sometimes. Otherwise she'd be able to see straight through me.


	5. Chapter 5

**Verse: **

**"He stands there, then walks away,/ My god, if I could only say,/ I'm holding every breath for you."**

When I was in my room one afternoon, I played my guitar slowly. I was playing a sad love song. I loved playing guitar. It just felt so peaceful, to play and let the sound wash over you. I usually didn't even care if I was playing well or not. Just the sound soothed me.

Outside it was snowy and windy and miserable. It was almost winter break. Time is weird. You think it's passing so slowly and you'll have all the time to do what you want, but after a while, you look back and realize it's practically flown by.

Draco turned red talking to me the other day. He's been doing that lately. I hope it's because he's falling for me a little, and not because he really hates the way I do my hair but is too afraid to say anything. He did that once. I cried when he yelled at me in the end. And he started crying, too, because he hated seeing me cry. I think that I was thirteen, and he was twelve.

Cathy walked in, holding a huge load of books.

"You sound nice," she said as she set the stuff down on her bed. She tripped on her shoelace at the last moment and ended up flying forward and scattering her books everywhere, hitting her chin on the edge of her bed. I stopped playing abruptly.

"Ow," she moaned, rubbing her chin.

"Are you alright?" I asked her. Cathy is always doing clumsy things and getting hurt, so you'd think she'd be used to pain by now. But that fall looked especially painful.

She showed me her chin, and it was cut deeply. I pulled out my wand and waved it at her, concentrating hard on healing her wound.

It took me a couple seconds, and her wound closed slowly, but once it did, there was no blemish or blood left over, and Cathy smiled wide.

"Now I feel brilliant. You're the best at healing spells, Carina. You should be a healer or a school nurse."

I smiled and lay back on my bed, holding my guitar. "What do you want to be when you get out of school?"

"Me? Oh, I dunno. Greg and I think we want to start a business together. We both love food a lot, but we also love runes and arithmetic, and Greg has a thing for wand making, and I have a thing for monster taming...so, I dunno. We want to do a business, but we're still trying to decide what. You?" she asked, gathering her books.

"No idea. I like learning. I may just keep learning and go to all sorts of places and learn all sorts of things. My parents' money could last me a lifetime, if I'm smart about it. You know?"

Cathy frowned. "That's strange. You...I'd always imagined you would teach others rather than keep learning. You're such a good listener and you give such lovely advice. Acceptant. I'd see you as a person working with children or old people or sick people. A counselor of some sort."

I shrugged, a little smile on my face. "Maybe I will be. I really just don't know, though."

"Huh. You could just be an ordinary housewife."

I made a face. "That's boring. Who wants to be a housewife? Staying at home all day, cooking, cleaning, caring for children, no life outside of your husband's."

Cathy mused. "I guess so. You could be a writer."

"Nah. I'm terrible at coming up with ideas."

"Yeah, me too. Sometimes I wish I could be more creative, you know? I'm a boring person and could do with more creativity."

"You're not boring at all. You're one of the most interesting people I've ever met. You don't need anything else to be perfect."

"You would say that," Cathy said ruefully. "You really are a perfect person, Carina. You manage to love everyone and make them all feel good. And you don't think that anyone needs to be anything but what they are, _and_ you're completely happy with yourself. _That's_ one I've _never_ encountered. Most people are crazy about changing, but you're just happy to be alive in the first place and don't bother with the small details."

"Some could say that's bad," I said with a smile.

"No. I've never met anyone who thinks you're bad. Except maybe Parkinson, and that's because she doesn't see past Draco Malfoy. Say, Carina, do you think Malfoy likes you? I've seen him looking at you an awful lot these days."

"I doubt Draco truly likes anybody," I said.

"He definitely likes you. Cares about you a lot. He gets into fights trying to keep people from making fun of you."

"I thought you said no one hates me?"

"Oh, they don't. The other day, though, someone said that you were such a mushy girl, it was annoying how you were so perfect. And he was only joking, probably had a crush on you also, but Malfoy went crazy about it and didn't let it go until the boy took it all back and said there was nothing bad about you."

"Oh dear."

"Yeah. But anyways, I definitely think Draco likes you."

"To an outsider, it could seem that way. But you don't know Draco likes I do. He's never felt anything for anybody besides desire or lust. Maybe he still loves his parents, but I expect him to grow out of that any day now. Hey, Cathy, don't tell anyone I said this. Not even Greg. Draco would probably go crazy."

At lunch, I sat at the Ravenclaw table, poking at my food. I wasn't hungry, although I knew I should eat. I'd skipped breakfast.

"Hey, Carina, can I talk to you?"

It was Draco. For a moment I was terrified that Cathy had let something slip, but he didn't look angry or sad. He looked happy enough. So I nodded.

"Um, out where people can't hear."

So I got up and followed him out. We walked to a secluded corridor, where he turned to me a little nervously.

"So..." he said a little awkwardly. "How has your day been?"

He's stalling. He wants to ask something else, but is shy. It's a favor of some sort. Like giving him advice or teaching him something. See how well I know him?

I decided to humor him, and with a smile, I said, "It's been great. I've been having great classes."

"Ah. Um, I heard that..." He rubbed the back of his neck oddly. "Well...that you can play guitar. Is that true?"

"Oh! Yeah. I can, but I'm not great. I just play for the fun of it."

"I like the way guitars sound," he said a little wistfully. "Do you think you could...I don't know, teach me a little bit sometime?"

I smiled. A favor. Just like I'd predicted. "Of course," I said. "Tonight, in the secret passage, I'll give you a mini lesson."

He smiled and looked like he would hug me. Of course, he didn't. He's Draco Malfoy. He hugs no one.

"Thanks, Carina. You're...really great. I've been a little bit stressed lately."

"I know," I said. It probably made him feel awkward. At least I didn't tell him that I knew he had been crying a lot recently.

He stood there for a moment, and then smiled and thanked me, walking away. I could only stand there, watching.

Dear God, if only I could tell him that I had been waiting for him for so long, holding every breath I had for him. If only I could tell him. If only I wouldn't lie.


	6. Chapter 6

Verse:

"He'd never tell you,/ but he can play guitar./ I think he can see through/ everything but my heart./ First though when I wake up/ is 'My God, he's beautiful,'/ so I put on my makeup/ and pray for a miracle."

**Two weeks later. Draco's guitar playing is coming along nicely. He can pluck out a few simple tunes. **

**Of course, he'd never tell you that he can play the guitar and is a fast learner. I don't know why. He usually takes every opportunity he can to brag. But after a while, I understood it. He was only biding his time. He was waiting until he was great at the guitar before he said anything.**

**Well, with me teaching him, that may take a while, so it's alright.**

**One night, in the secret passage, he strummed on the guitar strings slowly, lazily. He'd had a hard day, had to miss a Hogsmead trip because Professor McGonagall gave him detention. From what I heard, though, it was a good thing he missed. A girl named Katie got hit by a really awful curse. If Draco had been there, he would have made it all a whole lot worse. **

**Today, when I ate lunch, I saw some kid telling him a lie. He just stared at the kid, totally unimpressed. I think he can see through anything, excluding my heart. He never could see through that.**

**Greg nudged me. "Carina? You looked a bit, I dunno, zoned out."**

**I came to. Cathy, Greg, and I were in the library. Studying. As usual.**

**I sighed and picked up my quill. "Right. Back to business."**

**Cathy looked concerned. "You've been doing that a lot lately. I think you're too tired. Go to sleep."**

**I shook my head. "I have homework."**

**"We can finish for you," Greg offered. "I mean, it isn't as though you don't know the stuff already. Remember when we nicked that seventh year's book in our third year?"**

**Cathy and I grinned with the recollection. "Yeah."**

**"So it's basically like review for you," Greg continued. "And you can just read over it before class tomorrow."**

**"Your handwriting is different from mine."**

**"Carina," Cathy interrupted, "I am an expert forger. You go to sleep. Now."**

**It wasn't often that Cathy and Greg ordered me to do something, so I nodded.**

**"Leave your stuff here," Cathy said. "We'll carry it back."**

**"Thanks," I said, smiling.**

**I left the library, heading to the Ravenclaw common room. I had been pretty tired lately. I'd would stay up late, thinking about Draco. Most of the time I only fell asleep about three hours before I had to wake up.**

**Not paying attention to where I was walking, I bumped right into someone. They dropped what they were holding and started swearing at me.**

**"You stupid bloody-"**

**"Hello, Draco. Sorry for bumping into you."**

**"Oh," he said stupidly. "Hi Carina."**

**"Where were you off to this late?"**

**He turned whiter, but said, "Nowhere. And no matter where I was, its none of your business."**

**"Draco, you do not snap at me. Do you understand?" I stared at him piercingly, and he backed down immediately.**

**"Yeah," he mumbled. "I do."**

**"I'll see you tomorrow, then?" I said, walking towards the common room. He didn't answer me. When I looked back at the end of the corridor, he was staring at me in shock. I realized he probably hadn't ever had me walk away from him that quickly. I waved apologetically so he would know I wasn't completely disgusted with him, and kept walking.**

**When I woke in the morning to Cathy's snores, I blinked stupidly. The first thought in my head was an image of Draco's face and the words, "My God, he's beautiful." I've been waking up like that a lot lately.**

**I got up quietly, putting my robes on and dabbing a little lip gloss on and some faint eyeshadow, praying, as always, for some kind of miracle.**


	7. Chapter 7

**Okay, everyone, this is the end of the song, but I'm going to switch to the song "On My Own" after this last verse. **

**Verse: **

**"Yes I could tell you,/ His favorite color's green,/ He loves to argue,/ Oh and it kills me,/ His sister's beautiful,/ He has his father's eyes,/ and if you asked me if I love him…/if you ask me if I love him,/ I'd lie."**

It's Christmas break, and I'm going home. I never spend my holidays at Hogwarts. I find it sort of dull to be at the school for weeks without anyone else, and not even class to keep you busy.

On the train, I stared outside the window. The snowy landscape flashed past. Cathy sat next to me, her head lolling onto my shoulder while a thin string of drool ran down her chin. Greg, on the other side of the compartment, snored softly as his head nodded off and he tried to stay awake. They had stayed up all night trying to stuff their books into their bags. I'd invited them to come home with me for the Christmas. My parents and I get lonely over the holidays now that my brother moved out with his new wife, and doesn't spend Christmas with us, and Cathy and Greg's parents were on a work trip. It all seemed to work out.

Cathy seemed to come suddenly to life halfway through the train ride. "Carina, where are we?"

"About halfway there," I said with a small smile. Cathy's cute when she just wakes up.

"Huh," she grunted. "So, is that Malfoy boy going home for Christmas, too?"

I looked at her, my smile widening to a grin. "Why so interested in 'that Malfoy boy,' Cathy? Do you have a crush on him?"

Her eyes widened. "Blimey, of course not, Carina. I only thought you did. Don't you?"

"I thought I told you several times. I don't like him."

"Well, you never look convinced. You're so obsessed with him. It seems every question I ask about him, you know the answer to."

It's true. I _could_ tell you the names of his immediate family, aunts and uncles, and grand-cousin twice removed. I could tell you that his favorite color is green, that he loves to argue, that his mother is beautiful and he looks like his father. And I _could_, if I really, _really_ wanted to, I _could_ tell you that it kills me how much I love him. But if you asked me if I love him, well, I think you know me enough by now to know my answer.

"I don't like Draco any more than as a friend," I lied, turning back to the window. "I think I may doze off, Cathy. Keep watch so we don't stay asleep when we get to the station."


	8. Chapter 8

**Okay. So, we're keeping the same "I'd Lie" theme, but for the next few chapters, I'm going to base it mainly on the song "On My Own" from Les Miserables. Enjoy! **

**Verse: **

**"On my own/ pretending he's beside me/ all alone/ I walk with him till morning/ Without him/ I feel his arms around me/ and when I lose my way I close my eyes and he has found me."**

"Hello, darling," my mum said. "Welcome home. And your friends, of course."

She admitted us into the house. Cathy and Greg gaped at it. We don't have the nicest house, but I guess to a middle-class person, it would seem pretty nice.

"This way,"I muttered to Cathy, who grabbed Greg's arm and pulled him after her as she followed me. Greg promptly tripped over his shoelace and landed sprawled at my mum's feet. I tried not to flinch as he made his apologies and scurried after me.

My parents were kind of, well, snobby. They're not as bad as the Malfoy's, but they have their share of moments. I hoped that my friends could avoid their clumsy habits in my parents' company.

We walked up the stairs and down a hallway. "Here's your room, Cathy," I said, pointing at the door to one guest room. "And Greg's is right next to you."

"Where are you?" Greg asked.

I pointed to the end of the hallway. "The last door on the right."

"You've got a huge house, Carina," Cathy muttered as she opened her door and walked in, lugging her bags.

I just smiled. I didn't think it was that great. There was too much empty, dusty space that nobody ever used. I often wished that we lived somewhere small and simple.

I let Cathy and Greg get settled in their rooms and went looking for my dad.

I found him in the study, looking over some book. He looked up, the eyes behind his glasses slightly blank and foggy. "Hello, Carina," he said. "Nice seeing you after so long."

I waltzed up to him and gave him a big hug. He smiled and put down the book, hugging me back.

"Did you miss me, or were you too interested in books?"

"'Books?' What are these 'books' you speak of? For surely I was too busy pining for my sweet daughter to do anything else with my time!" he joked. I jabbed him in the stomach and he doubled over. "Ow."

"Big baby," I muttered as mum came in.

"Darling, it's nice having you back," she said, giving me a big hug and kiss on my cheek. "So, your friends...what are their names again?"

"Cathy and Greg," I said.

"Ah. Greg is the clumsy one?"

I flinched inwardly. "Not...not usually. No. He and Cathy just get overwhelmed easily."

I am such a little liar.

"Cathy trips too?" she asked casually. "Poor things. I always pity nervous creatures."

"They're not nervous. Not overly so, in any case," I said. I was feeling very defensive of them.

"Dear, I think we're offending our darling daughter," my dad said. "Let them be."

Mum looked a little annoyed, but she nevertheless kissed my cheek again and asked, "Do you want to rest a bit now and have us bring up your dinner?"

"I'll ask Cathy and Greg, but I think that's what will end up happening," I said. "I may take a walk first, though."

"Alright, dear," mum said. "Put that book down, Gavin!"

My dad looked up guiltily. "Sorry."

I hugged them both again and walked out.

When I went to Greg's room, I found him already snoring away on his bed. Finding this a rather self-explanatory action, I went to Cathy's room to see if it was the same with her. She was still awake and packing away clothes into her wardrobe. She looked up at me, yawning, and smiled.

"Hi, Carina," she said. "Gosh, this room is amazing. I can't believe you live in a place like this and you're not too snobby."

"Mum wants to know if you want to just rest and have her bring dinner to your room, or if you want us all to eat together?"

"Well, Greg fell asleep..." she said slowly.

"I know; I just found him," I said with a light chuckle.

"Yeah. Would it be, you know, all right for me to just stay here and rest? I'm not even very hungry right now."

I smiled. "Sure, if that's what you want. We can have fun tomorrow, right?"

She smiled and nodded. "Okay!"

I closed her door softly behind me as I went out. Going to my room, I changed out of my school uniform and into some comfortable pine green robes. I then went downstairs and put on my dark purple coat and walked outside.

Our gardens were lovely even in the middle of winter. Evergreen trees bordered the land, and there were bushes that, in spring, would sprout roses and azaleas and other lovely flowers. A small pond was frozen over. We could probably skate on that soon, and I could see the closed-up, dormant buds of water lilies.

I played a little game as I walked away from our house on my own. I pretended that Draco was beside me, walking along down the street. I could imagine him talking to me and we could laugh and joke. I was all alone, but I might have walked till morning, just pretending, if I could.

As it got darker and colder, I realized I was really far, and turned back to the house, shivering. You can see how desperate I was about him, because even without him, I could feel him arms around me, warming me.

I walked for a few blocks like that, still lost in my dream world. Then I was brought back into reality with the harsh realization that I had turned down the wrong street and I had no idea where I was. I looked around, and tried retracing my steps. That didn't work.

I was getting pretty upset. So I closed my eyes and breathed deep. Imagining his voice, finding me and saying "Stupid Carina, the house is that way," I opened them again and walked to a nearby store. Inside I asked them where my street was. They kindly pointed me in the way. Thanking them, I left.

When I got home, mum was waiting for me and she smiled.

"I was beginning to worry. Are you hungry, darling?"

"A little bit," I admitted. "What could I have for dinner?"

"I just finished making some soup. Would you like some of that? If not, we have leftover pasta from last night."

"A small bit of both?" I asked hopefully, and mum smiled.

"Of course, dear."

She walked away and I followed, to the kitchen. My parents thought my quiet was just tiredness, but in truth, I was still lost in the daydream I'd been stuck in on my walk. I knew that it was ridiculous. Draco liked Pansy, and even if he didn't, there was no way he'd go for me, and even if he would, we would not get along at all. But still. I did love him. And as incomprehensible as that was, I'd make do with it in the ways I most enjoyed.


	9. Chapter 9

**Verse: **

**"In the rain/ the pavement shines like silver./ All the lights/ Are misty in the river./ In the darkness/ the trees are full of starlight./ And all I see is him and me/ Forever and forever."**

"Wow, Carina, this is cool."

We had gone out for the day. We'd gone to fests and stopped in at Diagon Alley and even went to a few Muggle places.

At the end of the day, as it was getting dark, we had stopped at a Muggle ice cream parlor near a river. We sat inside, next to the window, staring out. Greg and Cathy both had half of a banana split, and I had a particularly delicious banana jogurt...thing. Not sure what it was.

"Oh, it's started raining," Cathy muttered. I looked outside. She was right. It was starting to downpour.

"Lucky we turned seventeen last week," Greg mumbled. "Otherwise we'd have to suffer."

"Speaking of birthdays," Cathy said, "Carina, yours is on Christmas Eve, isn't it?"

I nodded with a small smile. "Yes, it is."

"Hoorah!" Greg said. "Then you can do magic outside of school with us."

Cathy elbowed him hard in the ribs and made a gesture to the Muggles around us. "Greg, shut it!"

Our waiter came. "You kids like the ice cream?" he asked as he took the empty dishes.

"It was very delicious," I said. "You work in a nice place."

"I think so, too," he said, a little proudly. "Hey, you have an umbrella or something?"

"No," Greg said.

"But we'll be fine," Cathy added. "We're fast runners."

He nodded, but looked a little worried. "It's really coming down. If you're sure, though..."

Shaking his head, he walked away.

"Muggles are odd," Greg said frankly.

"I think it was very nice of him to be concerned," I said. "Wizards wouldn't bother with any formality."

"I guess that's true," he said.

I looked back outside. "Doesn't the pavement look pretty?" Cathy and Greg stared at me as though I was insane. "No, seriously. In the rain, it sort of shines. Like silver."

"You like the rain, don't you, Carina?" Greg realized.

"Well, I love all weather."

"But you particularly like the rain?"

"No more than a nice, sunny day."

"Carina loves everything," Cathy said dismissively, getting up to leave. "She'd love someone even if they murdered her mother."

We stepped outside. Greg pulled out his wand, and waved it, transfiguring his watch into a very large umbrella.

"Be careful; someone could have seen you," Cathy said.

"Aren't you going to need your watch back?" I teased him.

"I'll just turn it back when we get back to the house."

I smiled as we walked. The lights, reflected in the river, were misty and surreal. While Cathy and Greg talked to each other about some school subject, my thoughts turned to Draco. Just thinking his name sent shivers up my spine. This was bad. If I had gotten so lovesick over a few days, what would happen when I saw him at school? I'd blush and giggle like some imbecile female. Horrifying. And shocking. But mostly horrifying.

Still, the thought of him made me intensely happy. When I looked at the trees, even though they were bare, I could imagine them bedecked with lights and full of stars. When I looked down the street, I could see him and me, walking like we'd be together forever and forever.

But...as much as I hoped for him, I knew it wouldn't happen. It's a Draco Malfoy story, right? It wouldn't end well. All his girlfriends, all his fans, they ended up hurt and cast aside. Maybe he'd be nice to me, because I was his friend. But I knew better than to go farther than that. Even if it hurt me, I wouldn't end up like that. I didn't want to ruin our friendship.


	10. Chapter 10

**Verse: **

"**I love him/ But when the night is over,/ He is gone,/ The river's just a river./ Without him/ The world around me changes./ The trees are bare and everywhere the streets are full of strangers."**

"Happy Birthday, Carina," the guests chorused. It was Christmas Eve, and my family, Cathy and Greg, the guests at my mother's Christmas party, and I all sat around a tree eating little apple tarts.

"Should we give you your presents now, or wait until tomorrow?" my dad asked.

"Tomorrow, I think," I said. "I like the anticipation of a present. After all, once you get them, you have to wait a whole year before you get more."

"Or one day in your case, weirdo," Cathy said. "Just open a few! Or I will never forgive you."

"Neither will I," one of the guests said, "because I won't see you tomorrow and won't see your face when you get something you really wanted."

The guests murmured in agreement, and I consented to opening a few gifts. But my mind was on other things.

My mother had thrown me a surprise party. They'd rented a little space by the river and threw up a magic house that mortals would only see as a tent.

Lots of people were there. All of our old friends, all people who I really liked and none I didn't, and all-conveniently-old Death Eater pals my parents had known. Except for Cathy and Greg. But they don't really count.

I looked over to the window. Standing next to it, and looking out, bored with everything, was my favorite teenage boy.

Yeah, the Malfoy's were also there.

"Darling, open this," mum said. "It's from Mrs. Poole."

I opened gifts from gifts and smiled and was lovely even though I was far away. I didn't do well at huge parties, especially when I was the center of attention. I was better at giving attention than receiving it. Still, I would hate to make mum feel bad by letting on that I don't like it.

Finally, it was over, and the guests lost interest in me. I made my way over to Draco while Cathy and Greg engaged an elderly wizard in a big political discussion.

"Hey," I said, "that river's pretty interesting, isn't it?"

"Huh?"

"You've been staring at it since you got here."

"Oh. Well, I don't know, I just hate these things. My parents make me wear these ridiculous dress robes."

I laughed at him and patted his head as he scowled. "Draco, you're funny. Have you had a tart?"

"Yeah, and they're disgusting."

"Someone never learned their manners," I said lightly, taking another bite of the tart in my hand.

"What? So I'm honest. Sue me."

"Face it, my friend, you probably could be sued at times like these."

He grumbled and looked out again. I looked out with him. Standing next to him, chills ran down my spine. I could look out and see stars filling the trees and the river mist just like the day in the ice cream parlor, but this time, it felt so much more magical.

"So, have you had a nice holiday so far?" I asked him.

"Yeah. But I'm looking forward to going back to school."

"I see. And why is that?"

"What do you mean? School is fun. You love it, don't you?"

"Of course I love it. You, however, do not."

He shrugged and I didn't press him. Sometimes, you just have to let people be. I could see he had a lot on his mind at the moment.

Soon enough, the party ended, and I felt freed. Before I left, I took a chance and hugged Draco. He stiffened, but hugged me back. We were friends, after all. And no matter how high and mighty he may act, I wouldn't let him forget that.

Cathy, Greg, and I held a secret conference that night, discussing the party. Well, Cathy and Greg discussed it while I sat in listening for the most part and occasionally admonished them for their shallow comments but secretly was laughing.

We bid each other goodnight after midnight and went to out own rooms. I barely cleaned my face and changed into my nightclothes when I collapsed onto my bed and fell asleep.

It was Christmas morning when I woke up. I put on my dressing gown and went to wake up Cathy and Greg.

Greg met me at the door.

"Carina," he said stupidly.

"Yes?"

"It's nine in the morning."

"So you got almost exactly nine hours of sleep. Good for you."

"No, no, Carina, you don't get it. It's _nine_ in the morning."

"And?"

"It's Christmas day, and it's _nine_ in the morning."

"Yes, Greg, I am well aware."

"On Christmas day, you sleep until two in the afternoon and do everything after that."

I grinned at him. "But we'll have banana and chocolate chip pancakes and cold milk and leftover cookies."

"'Leftover' cookies?"

"'Santa' never eats them all," I explained. "Now, come on. They won't be good cold."

"I'll go when Cathy wakes up," he grumbled. "And I'll only come when I see proof that she's up."

"I will send her to get you," I said with a salute. He shut the door, and I heard him flop back onto his bed. I smiled as I walked to Cathy's door, who took her wake-up far better and agreed to get the both of them downstairs very soon.

I went down to the kitchen to find my parents in an extremely good mood, cooking and smiling like everything was right in the world.

"Hello, darling," mum said. "Banana or chocolate chip pancakes?"

"Banana, please," I said, sliding onto a stool. "Cathy and Greg will be down in a minute. Greg's not a great morning person."

Dad laughed while mum smiled in her semi-disapproving way. They gave me my breakfast and I smiled and participated in their conversing.

After presents, while everyone was laughing and joking, I said that I would like to take a walk. They all agreed to go with me. Cathy tried out the new shoes her own mother had sent her, and Greg tried the hat she had sent him. They looked cute.

While we walked, I noticed something. I really loved Draco Malfoy, but when he was gone, as we walked down the street, the river beside us was...just a river. No bright lights and mysterious mist. And without him, the world changed from something I believed to come from a fairytale to something very unlovely. The trees were bare and stripped of their starlight. The streets were full of strange faces.

But I pushed him out of my mind. I didn't want my day to be plagued by any idiotic, lovesick behavior. It was ridiculous.

Cathy grabbed my arm as we started back. "So, we leave in two days. I'm a little happy to be going back to school. I mean, your house and your parents are lovely, of course," she said hastily.

"I know," I said kindly. "I'm interested in resuming our lessons too."

She smiled. "I knew you'd understand."

I didn't tell her the truth. Not all of it. I did like our lessons and schoolwork, but there was a certain boy I was definitely interested in seeing.


	11. Chapter 11

_**Hey, I realized that I accidentally skipped a verse, but I'm just going to keep it out because it doesn't really fit the story anyways. **_

_**So, the next verse: **_

_**"I love him/ but everyday I'm learning/ all my life, I've only been pretending./Without me, his world will go on turning./ The world is full of happiness which I have never known./ I love him./ I love him./ I love him, but only on my own."**_

_After the train ride back to Hogwarts, I waited in the Great Hall. I was waiting for Draco. I wanted to say hello to him. _

_Cathy and Greg were at the Ravenclaw table, studying the schoolbooks they had retrieved from their rooms. Cathy looked up and gestured for me to join her. I shook my head, smiling. She shrugged and looked back at her books._

_I looked at the doorway._

_He finally came in._

_He, along with a swarm of Slytherins._

_They all laughed and talk and joked, and he didn't even see me as he walked past. Not that I tried to get his attention. He didn't like me embarrassing him in front of his friends, and he'd asked me many times not to talk to him in their presence._

_And for once, I didn't feel like chastising him for his shallow wishes._

_I guess I was a little deflated. Watching him, laughing and happy, was doing strange things to my heart._

_Here's the thing: I love Draco Malfoy. I love him so much. But I'm learning, slowly, everyday, that all this time, I've been kidding myself. Just pretending. Pretending that he would someday return my love._

_He has his friends. Dozens of them. And if I were to suddenly leave his life, to disappear, or if I had never even been a part of it...it wouldn't make any difference to him. He doesn't need me to make him happy. Without me, his shallow world would go on turning and turning. His shallow world holds a happiness I've never known, because I've never been able to overlook the bad things like he can. He'd never leave that world. It's so easy, compared to the world I try to make him live in._

_I love Draco Malfoy a lot, but it's only on my own._

_He talked to me later that night. I was passing him in the hall, and he waved at me. I waved back wearily. I wasn't much in the mood for speaking. _


	12. Chapter 12

**Okay, one more song, and then the last chapter. The new song is another Taylor Swift because I'm too lazy to look for another artist. It's "Teardrops on my Guitar." **

**Verse: **

**"Drew looks at me/ I fake a smile so he won't see/ What I want and I need/ And everything that we should be./ I'll bet she's beautiful,/ That girl he talks about./ And she's got everything that I have to live without."**

In our secret passageway, Draco was sort of quiet.

"What's wrong?" I asked him. He wasn't usually this quiet.

"Nothing," he said. I knew he was lying, but I also knew better than to pry. Sometimes it's best to just let things be.

"Did you have a nice holiday?" I asked him.

"Of course," he said.

I don't know what happened, but suddenly we were silent. Draco tapped his fingers together as I sat with my arms around my legs, staring at the ground. He looked at me. I faked a smile at him. I didn't want him to see how much I hurt from forcing myself to wake up from my romantic daydream, didn't want him to see everything I wanted and needed from him. It would have shown him too much if I hadn't masked my feelings then. Shown him everything I thought we should be...

"So, I was talking to Pansy," he said casually, "and she said the greatest thing..."

Oh. Pansy again. Dear lord.

I wondered about her. I'd never really seen much in her, but I'd bet she was beautiful in Draco's eyes. She'd have to be, otherwise he'd never like her. He'd never talk about her if she wasn't. I'd also bet she had everything that was attractive to Draco that I lived without: shallowness, a love for fashion and gossip, popularity...

"Sorry?" I asked him. Distracted by my thoughts, I hadn't heard the question he'd asked me.

He blinked. "What's the matter with you? I rarely see you this unresponsive? Is everything okay?"

"Oh, so you noticed something might be wrong?" I said. I'd meant for it to sound teasing, but it came out sounding harsh.

He recoiled. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing," I said with a sigh. "I'm just tired."

Now he looked legitimately concerned. "Carina, really, is something wrong? You're never upset."

"Just a girly little love problem," I said with a small smile. "Nothing to bother yourself with."

"Well, I'm bored," Draco said. "I guess you could talk about it."

"Only to keep you from being bored?" I said jokingly.

"Well, hey, I never hear anything from you about _your_ feelings," he said. He was blushing faintly and looked embarrassed. "You're only ever bothering me about mine."

"Well," I said. "Hmm. How to explain it?"

I really was a little anxious. I was going to tell Draco about my little love problem, but I couldn't let him know that _he_ was the one I was talking about.

"There's a person I like," I started slowly, "who is...very different from me. We're friends, of course, but we don't see eye-to-eye on many things. And I do badger him about his feelings, its true," I said with a smile.

Draco laughed. "Poor guy. I feel sympathy for him."

"Yes, you would," I said with a snort of laughter. Because Draco would sympathize with himself. "Well, you see, I've been quite crazy about him for a while now. But he has someone else."

"Huh," Draco said.

"Yes. And...I guess I know that even if he wasn't with someone else, he would only ever see me as a friend. If he did see me as more, it would only be for a short amount of time and then the friendship we had would be ruined. And he's a little bit...cold. A confession, no matter what his feelings were, would just be used to humiliate me or taunt me."

"That prat!"

I looked at Draco, startled.

"No, really, he's a prat," he assured me. "Who on Earth wouldn't absolutely love you? I mean, even if they didn't want to go out with you, anyone who would humiliate or taunt _you_ has got to be the most heartless person ever. Who could ever be mean to _you_?"

Laughing, I said, "Well, you yourself have said many a harsh thing on occasion."

"Yes, but you don't take it to heart," he said dismissively. "You just ignore me. Anyone who you like as much as you seem to like this bloke you would probably listen to what he had to say, wouldn't you?"

A small smile twisting my lips, I shook my head. "You know, I know him too well to listen to anything he says."

"Huh," he said. "Who is this prat?"

"Nobody you would know," I assured him.

"Oh. A Ravenclaw?"

"No, just...no one you would know."

"Hmm. You know, I find this kind of disturbing, actually. That there's someone else who's as mean to you as I am—" He broke off abruptly and looked at me sharply. "Just who is this guy? Maybe I do know him. Just tell me his name."

"No, Draco," I said tiredly. "I really don't want to."

"Carina—"

"Draco, please. I know I bother you about everything all the time, but have I really badgered you to tell me anything besides the situation? Have I told you to name names or...anything like that? No. I only ask you what the problem is. I'd be grateful if you'd act likewise in this situation."

And he did. He actually left me alone about the name. I wondered at it for a while before coming to the rather surprised conclusion that Draco was not used to me telling him how to treat me. I usually let him yell or laugh at me and bother me all he wanted with just a few sharp remarks in return. I think I caught him by surprise when I actually asked him to leave me alone.

"So...how would he taunt you?" he asked me after a few minutes.

"Oh, you know, he would...imply, more than anything, that he was great and that he could make anyone, even me, fall for him. Maybe he wouldn't know that was what he was implying, but he would."

"Well, if you ever do confess, that guy had better not be anything but amazed that you would fall for an insignificant jerk like him, because you are too pretty and nice and too darn picky to fall for just anyone and he's lucky if he's one of the ten people on this Earth who could even hope to get your attention."

"Draco, if that was a compliment, I may die of shock," I said. "But what's this about the 'ten people on Earth?'"

"Well, out of six billion people, I'm guessing only a small number would ever catch your attention. Ten was the first small number that came to mind."

I smiled. He really was like a little boy. "Well, I hope I'm not that picky. Let's talk about something else, okay, Draco? I'm a little...tired. Just a few more minutes and then I'm off to the common room."

So we talked a little bit longer about school, holidays, and Pansy, before saying good night. I sighed and watched Draco's back as he walked away. I really hoped there weren't only ten people in the world I'd like, because it didn't seem likely that one of those ten would drop in conveniently and take my mind off Draco. If I could like a lot of people, maybe then.

When I walked back to the common room, Cathy was waiting.

"Were you with Draco?" she asked. I nodded.

"We had a very nice discussion. I think he actually complimented me in it, but he phrased it oddly, so I find myself unsure."

Cathy grinned. "That boy likes you a lot. I told you before, he gets into fights to keep people from insulting you."

I sighed. "I keep forgetting to talk to him about that."

"If you do, _do not mention your information source_," she said. "I'm not interested in dying early."

I laughed lightly at her.

But as the night wore on, I had a hard time sleeping. I was so busy thinking about him. About his face when I was telling him about the person I liked. I thought maybe I had been hinting too strongly about who it was. Given too many parallels for him to compare.

I guess I'd have to deal with it. Lord knows I was so busy dealing with all my other hurt feelings, I wouldn't really notice if I dealt with this now.


	13. Chapter 13

_Verse: _

_"Drew talks to me/ I laugh 'cause it's just so funny./ I can't even see/ anyone when he's with me./ He says he's so in love,/ He's finally got it right./ I wonder if he knows/ He's all I think about at night."_

_**I sat with Draco at the lake. Now that it was getting warmer, the students were spending more time outside. I was helping Draco with his homework.**_

_**"This is ridiculous," he grumbled as he held his parchment and quill. "I have so much better stuff to be doing right now."**_

_**I laugh at what he had to say, because I just found it so funny. "And what would that be? Holing yourself up in some room and doing God knows what? Better be outside doing homework than be inside doing anything on a beautiful day like this."**_

_**He glowered darkly at his work. "I don't see what's so important about homework. It's a waste of parchment and bad for the trees."**_

_**"Don't pull that one," I warned, slapping him lightly on the top of his head. "So, explain to me the meaning of this answer you gave? It sounds like you just copied from the book."**_

_**"So what if I did? It's not like I'll need this stuff later on," he grumbled and I flashed him a dark glare.**_

_**"Better to have this to know than be caught unawares without it in a tight spot. There is nothing wrong with being knowledgeable. And don't you dare show me that mark on your arm, I know**_**, and I still stand by my words. Now, try to explain this."**

**He sighed and did attempt, but failed miserably. I laughed at him and tried to help him understand his notes and comprehend that which he had taken down. I didn't even noticed Cathy waving at me until Draco pointed at her in disgust and I smiled and waved back. I'm noticing that I can't really see other people when I'm with Draco anymore. It cannot be healthy.**

**We toiled at his homework for a long time, and when we finished it, Draco lay sprawled on his back. "I hate school," he said frankly. "And I hate doing homework. I'd rather be with Pansy."**

**I smiled at him. "I think you rather like this girl more than you initially did."**

**"Yeah, I think I do. I mean, at first she was just a bit of fun, but now she's really important to me. It feels really nice to be with her, more than the other girls I've been with before."**

**Ah. So, that's it. My...Draco had found his first love. I tried to smile though I felt a lump in my throat and stinging in my eyes. I would betray no weakness. Not to Draco Malfoy.**

**"That's good, Draco," I said, trying to keep my voice steady. "I'm glad that you like her. It's a first."**

**He nodded, self-satisfied. "Yeah. So, how's it going with that guy of yours?"**

**My God, he remembered! I'll admit, I was quite impressed with him. He must have noticed it, because he blushed slightly.**

**"The same," I said, and my voice wavered and cracked. I winced. "The same," I repeated more strongly.**

**"This is really interesting," Draco said. "You never have crushes on people. Tell me what he's like. I know he's a prat, but what else? Is he a smart prat? A doofus? What?"**

**"He's...proud. A little selfish. He's got quite enough brain, if he'll only realize his potential."**

**Draco shuddered. "I'm glad I'm not this guy. I'd hate to be badgered by you about all these things."**

**"Hmm," I said. I didn't want to give him anything to go on.**

**"So, how old is he? Same year as you, I suppose. Different house than Slytherin."**

**"No, he's younger than me," I said. "He'll still be able to attend school after I graduate."**

**"You like younger guys, then?" he said. In response to my raised eyebrows, he said with a flush rising up his neck, "Hey, I'm trying to take inventory of those things you like in your guys. It might be the only time for me to get a standard."**

**"I don't set standards in my crushes," I said briskly. "I enjoy letting them be different and seeing how it turns out."**

**"Well, I need a standard," he said stubbornly. "So, enlighten me. What does he look like?"**

**"Well, he's small and pale," I said. "Kind of thin. I guess he's not much to look at."**

**"Boring," he said dismissively.**

**"But he has a nice face," I added. "And a good smile. Even if he is cold, when I see him smile, I feel happy and want to smile, too. It's rather amusing, I suppose, that I always listen to him talk and watch him smile and get so...well, obsessed with watching, that I have to wonder if he knows he's all I think about at night."**

**"Well, that was sweet," he said in surprise, examining my face. "Wow, you really like this prat, don't you?"**

**"I do, Draco," I said. "I do. And I would thank you not to mock me for it."**

**"Huh?"**

**I suddenly felt inexplicably angry at him and I didn't suppress it this time. Rather, I let it take control. "I like him, Draco. I love him very much, more than you would understand. So don't judge me and don't treat me like an imbecile for something you cannot comprehend. I am telling you about the boy I like in the confidence that you will not blab or use it to tease me. If you fail that..."**

**My eyes flashed in anger, and Draco stared at me, shocked and pale. Then angry spots rose to his cheeks and he scowled at me. "You're so stupid, Carina! I was just curious! I wasn't wanting to mock you! You don't have to start acting like a defensive bitch."**

**I clenched my fist tightly. "You don't hear yourself when I tell you things about me. You don't hear how disdainful you sound or when you use it in later discussions to make me feel bad. The truth is, Draco, that I question the wisdom in telling you what I did for fear that you will use this too."**

**He picked up his homework and spat, "You're impossible."**

**He walked away and I sat by a tree, clasping my hands together and staring at the ground. I felt terrible. I rarely yelled at Draco, but when I did, it was for much bigger reasons than that which I had just lost my temper for. It wasn't that he didn't deserve it, but it was more that I felt disappointed in myself for getting so emotional over such a little thing.**


	14. Chapter 14

**Verse: **

**"He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar,/ The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star./ He's the song in the car/ I keep singing, don't know why I do."**

I lay on my bed, strumming my guitar strings. Cathy was down eating dinner, and she was taking an extra class after dinner. She wouldn't be up for a while.

I allowed a few tears to run down my cheeks. It was better to get it out here, when there was nobody here to see, rather than have it build up and let out in some awful way later. I stood up and held my guitar in my lap, wiping my cheeks. A few tears splashed onto my guitar. I smiled and looked out at the night sky from my window. I liked the stars. Their beauty wasn't so ephemeral like the beauty on Earth was. Stars lasted for so long. They entranced me.

As I watched, I saw a shooting star. Feeling a little foolish, I wished on it. Wished...not for Draco's love, but for an end to our argument.

I sighed. Draco Malfoy, the reason for the teardrops on my guitar, and the thing that had me wishing on wishing stars long after I'd stopped relying on superstitions to help me in my life. It amused me.

I sighed and packed away my guitar. I'd decided that I wasn't hungry and wouldn't go to dinner, and so instead I got into my nightclothes and began to study. But I couldn't concentrate.

Draco Malfoy...he sort of reminded me of that song you hear on the radio. The one you sang over and over even after it ended, even when you knew you wouldn't hear the song again. I know Draco Malfoy, and I'm in love with him. I keep going back to him, even though I know the two of us are not meant to be. It isn't the way of the world for a selfish boy like him to be with someone like me. It never worked.

"I'm sorry," he muttered to me.

Five days after avoiding him (because I didn't like the bad feelings I had when I looked at him) he'd come up to me and apologized. Yes, _Draco Malfoy_ apologized. Ee gads, I think I may be affecting him. Or he's infected with a deadly disease. Whichever.

"Pardon?" I asked.

"I'm sorry," he said miserably. "I didn't mean to offend you."

"Oh, Draco, you didn't offend me," I assured him. "I was...a little emotional that day and I took it out on you. I apologize for yelling at you."

"No, I offended you," he said. "You don't just yell at people because you want to take your anger out. You've never done that. I'm sorry. I won't ask about your crush again."

I chuckled and patted his head. "I don't mind you asking me about my crush, Draco. I just...I don't know, but trust me, I wasn't mad for that. I was just angry at myself for liking him so much, Draco, and I took it out on you. Believe me. I wouldn't lie to you." And it's true. Maybe a little white lie, or hints and implications, but never a full lie.

He nodded and looked around.

"Don't worry, nobody saw or overheard you," I assured him. "Your pride is intact."

He flushed. "I...that wasn't what I was checking for." But of course it was.

"Go on, then. You don't want to be seen with a _Ravenclaw girl_," I teased.

He made a face. "Jeez, Carina, I don't care about that." And I laughed at him. Because he did. And because he's such a little child around me.

But as he ran off, I put my hand over my mouth. A lump was rising in my throat again. Dear God, what is wrong with me? Am I now going to start feeling sad and weepy whenever I talk to him? I can't be like that. I'd rather die before I become the type of girl who cries and grieves about unrequited love constantly.

So, clearing my throat and heading to the common room (to study!) I walked with my head held high, even though I felt awful inside.


	15. Chapter 15

**Verse: **

**"Drew walks by me,/ Can he tell that I can't breathe?/ And there he goes so perfectly/ The kind of flawless I wish I could be./ She better hold him tight,/ Give him all her love,/ Look in those beautiful eyes/ And know she's lucky 'cause"**

I sat at the table in the Great Hall, eating dinner and doing my homework. N.E.W.T.'s were coming up and I needed to study a lot for them.

However, to my chagrin, I couldn't focus entirely on my work and had to scratch out an answer multiple times because of misspellings or incorrect grammar or random words that I wrote down that didn't fit in the sentence at all.

I was aware of Draco Malfoy behind me. I wasn't looking at him or talking to him, and I was facing away from him, but I knew he was there. It distracted me.

I sighed and looked away from my homework, rubbing my eyes. I know he'd apologized to me, but his pride was still hurt from me yelling at him. I could tell in the way that he spoke briskly and briefly to me and the way that he always seemed to have something to do when I met with him. I planned to make things better tonight, when I met him in the secret passageway. If he didn't have something better to do, of course.

Suddenly, I looked up in time to see Draco walk by me and out of the Great Hall. He looked at me and smiled and I smiled back. I wondered if he could tell I couldn't breathe? Good Lord, he walks so perfectly. All lovely and wonderful...and, in a sense, he had that flawlessness that popularity seems to grace one with. I'd wondered before if I could ever possess that, the ability to make heads turn and respect what I said or did, even if they didn't agree with it. But I wouldn't want any kind of power or beauty that Draco Malfoy possessed. I sighed and looked back at my homework.

I got to the passageway a little early. I had my guitar with me, and I strummed the strings lightly. My eyes were strained from staring at books for so long.

Draco arrived. "Hey, Carina. Cool, you brought your guitar!"

I nodded. "Do you want to practice it?"

He nodded his head fervently, and I gave him the instrument. He tried it for a few minutes while I listened, occasionally correcting a chord or note.

"So, how is it going with Pansy?" I asked him.

"Good. She's a little annoying, but I still like her a lot."

"Does she like you as much?" A silly question, but I wanted to know what he thought.

"Maybe. She does. Like me, I mean. But she's a flirt and likes guys a lot, so I may not be her only guy."

"You'd better be," I said harshly.

"I mean, I'd know if she was actually _dating_ someone else, but she may have an interest in someone other than me," he said hurriedly.

"Still..." I said. "She'd better not have an interest in anyone else."

He was used to me being a little overprotective about him, so he just waved it off. "So what if she does?"

"I swear, that girl better hold you tight and give you _all_ her love, not just a part of it, while the rest is for someone else. She better know that she's lucky when she looks at you, because..." I trailed off, stopping myself from giving anything away.

"Because why?" he said curiously.

"Because you're brilliant," I said lightly. "And because I won't stand for someone not absolutely loving my childhood friends."

"Say, Carina, would you say we're still really good friends?" he said.

I stared at him. He turned bright red.

"Why wouldn't we be?" I asked, shocked.

"Well...you...we're...um, well," he stuttered. "I guess...you know, we're in different houses, and-"

"_So_?"

"And...well, you're about to graduate, and...um..."

"Yes? Please, I'm dying to know why we wouldn't still be friends." I wasn't one to pursue him about a careless remark, but this was too much.

"I— you spend so much time with your other friends and your homework," he said, "and you have that guy you like..."

I continued to stare at him like he was insane.

"You get so annoyed at me when you never used to..." he continued, his voice getting smaller and smaller. "Why don't I just shut up?"

I realized I was giving him that fiery glare. "Draco, you will always be my best friend. Maybe you will find people to replace me, but you're my friend, and always will be."

"Yeah, but we fight a lot!"

"We fought for the first time in three years the other day," I said through gritted teeth. "I didn't know your pride was hurt so much that you thought to say we weren't friends."

"No, no, it's not that," he tried to say.

"Not friends anymore! Good Lord, what is wrong with you?"

"You like that guy!" he said. "I thought you were too focused on him to be friends with me, okay? You've been distant and don't talk to me a lot lately. Ever since the beginning of the year, I seem to annoy you and you look sad when I talk to you a lot but you never say anything."

"Maybe because you don't ask and because you act like you'd just be disinterested or scornful if I said anything?" I hissed. "Ever since you got those friends here and Pansy, you've acted like being seen with me or talking to me will stain or utterly ruin your reputation."

I couldn't help it. I was so angry that tears sprung to my eyes. I wrapped my arms around my legs and cried into them quietly. Draco got quiet. I took deep breaths to calm myself. As I began to get myself under control, I felt arms go around me. I jumped and looked up, startled. Draco was hugging me. I blinked at him. He rarely hugged me. I was usually the one to show affection.

"Sorry," he said. "Sorry, sorry, sorry. I didn't mean to make you cry. Jesus, I've just been making you crazy lately, haven't I?"

Oh, yeah. In more ways than the ones he's thinking of.

He pulled my head onto his shoulder. "Please don't cry. You _never_ cry. You're not supposed to cry. You're supposed to be happy. Don't cry."

One thing that I've noticed is that when I cry around Draco, he gets really upset. It makes me feel kind of special.

As I swallowed the lump in my throat and wiped off my tears, Draco moved away from me. I felt a little emptier without him. "So, I've been distant this year?"

"No," he said quickly. "No, you haven't. Just ignore what I said."

"Ignoring it won't make it go away," I said to him. "Don't worry, I won't get mad. Just tell me. Draco, don't worry, I won't do anything," I assured him. "I've just been stressed lately."

"Maybe you should study less," he said. It reminded me so much of him as a child that I laughed. He brightened a little.

"No, I need to study for the N.E.W.T.'s," I said. "And studying calms me rather than stresses me."

He made a face. "That's weird."

"A little different, isn't it?" I admitted. "I think even Cathy and Greg get stressed by studying. I guess I'm a freak of nature."

Draco laughed. "Hey, is Greg the guy you like?"

"No," I said immediately. "Greg is nice and my friend, but he's a little too...something."

"Idiotic? Ugly? Gullible?" Draco asked.

"Oblivious," I decided. "He really doesn't see what's going on beyond his books and his sister."

"Ah," he said. "So, that guess is shot down."

"Besides, I told you before that he's not in Ravenclaw, didn't I?"

"Oh. Yeah, you did."

"Anyway, about this guy...I'm not too focused on him for you, okay, Draco? Trust me, he is by no means a distraction from you." Since he _is_ you.

"Carina," he said uncomfortably, "just forget about it."

"No, this is bugging me."

"Did you just say it was 'bugging' you?"

"Yes...why?"

"Oh, nothing. You usually use a bigger, more sophisticated word."

I ignored this jibe for the most part. "Ah. Draco, do I really act like that?"

"What?"

"Distracted and sad?" _I_ thought I was good at hiding it.

"A little," he admitted. "I...I guess you're good at hiding it. I mean, I can tell you're hiding something a lot. But sometimes you just look really...upset about something."

I chewed my lip as I thought. I needed to be better at hiding my emotions from him. But I was just so used to showing them. Until this year, there had really been no emotion I'd needed to hide. No romantic feelings for him messing anything up.

"Are you sure it isn't the guy?" he asked.

I was about to reassure him when something clicked. I smiled. "Draco, are you...jealous?"

"What?" he exclaimed. He turned the color of a beet.

"Well, you never said anything before. And ever since you found out that I like someone, you've been saying odd things. Are you jealous of my attention to someone else?"

"No," he spluttered. "I am not jealous of that prat!"

"Are you sure?" I teased him. He was _so_ jealous. I knew him well enough to know I was right. It gave me a thrill to know he was jealous of the guy I had a crush on, even though I knew it wasn't for romantic reasons.

"Positive," he said. But he didn't look positive. Poor guy.

I touched his cheek. "You're sweet, Draco."

He glared and swatted my hand away. I grinned. Such a little boy.

When I snuck back to the Ravenclaw common room, I packed away my guitar and I lay on my bed, staring at the ceiling, listening to Cathy's snores. I could be happy and amused about Draco's jealousy, but the fact remained that he wasn't mine and wouldn't be. I sighed and went to the window, opening it and whispering to the night.

"I love you, Draco."


	16. Chapter 16

Verse:

"He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar,/ The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star./ He's the song in the car I keep singing/ Don't know why I do."

**On Sunday, I relaxed near the lake, books on the grass beside me. It was very nice out. I was laying stretched out and held my guitar, strumming it lightly. I didn't really pay attention to anything around me, or notice when Draco sat down next to me until he tapped my shoulder.**

**"Hello, Draco," I said. I sat up and put my guitar down next to me. "How are you today?"**

**"I'm good," he said casually. "You?"**

**"Tired, but good," I admitted. "I didn't get much sleep last night. Your manners are getting better. You used to never ask me how I was."**

**"Didn't I?" he said mildly. I stared at him in surprise. "So, about that guy of yours...what about him? Anything new?"**

**"Draco, you are completely obsessed with this guy," I said. "I don't think you've ever been this consistent about a single topic in conversation."**

**"Well, you always ask about Pansy," he shot back. "So it can't be that weird, right?"**

**"Good point," I said with a smile. "And no, there's nothing new with him."**

**"Still unrequited?" he asked me.**

**"Yes."**

**"One thing I don't understand: you always tell me to say what you think, even if there will be disastrous consequences. So why don't you tell this guy you like him? I mean, there's no way that anyone would be mean to **_**you**_** about it. I can't believe that he'd taunt you. I came to that conclusion. Nobody is cruel enough to be rude to you."**

**"Not even the Dark Lord?" I asked him.**

**"Okay, that's different," he said. "I don't quite think he's human, so he doesn't count."**

**I laughed. "I don't want to tell him because...I don't want to ruin our friendship or anything like that. I like him too much, Draco. I couldn't stand to ruin what we have."**

**He thought on this. "Want me to go give him a talk?"**

**"No, Draco," I said. "That's all right."**

**I picked up my guitar and strummed a few strings. Dear God, if only Draco knew how many times I cried on my guitar over him.**

**"So, do you wish on eyelashes for him?" Draco joked.**

**"Do you wish on eyelashes for Pansy?" I countered.**

**"No way, I'm not babyish enough to do that," he said scornfully.**

**"Hmm," I said. "I don't wish on eyelashes. But I do wish on stars."**

**Draco's eyes bored into me. "I was just kidding...you never wish on anything. You never depend on superstitions or wishes."**

**"I know," I sighed. "Rather pathetic, isn't it?"**

**"No..." he said. "So, tell me what house he's in."**

**"No, Draco."**

**"What year?"**

**"No."**

**"What's his first name?"**

**"Like I'd tell you **_**that**_** if I won't tell you the **_**year**_**!"**

**He sighed and lay back on the grass. Staring at the sky, he said, "Hey, Carina, if I guess right, will you tell me?"**

**"No."**

**He sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. "Okay. I'll try to drop it, then."**

**What he said haunted me, though, the rest of the day. That I should tell people what I think or feel in spite of the consequences. It was true, I always did say that. But I just couldn't. Maybe I could give him some hints, though...but no. I...should. But I couldn't. I guess, if he ever guessed, I would tell him he was right. He would probably say it jokingly eventually. I just loathed to think of when that would happen.**

**I gestured at him when I saw him later in the Great Hall. He came over to me.**

**"Secret passageway tonight?" I asked him.**

**"Sure," he said, and walked back to his friends. **

**"What's up?" he asked as he walked in.**

**"Nothing," I said. "I just wanted to talk to you."**

**"Oh. Well, what about?"**

**"Nothing in particular," I said. "I guess...I don't know. I'm a little confused."**

**"About what?"**

**"Well, you were right earlier, about how I should tell people what I feel. I **_**do**_** always say that."**

**"Uh-huh."**

**"But I just...well, I can't think of how I would tell him."**

**"You're asking me?" he asked in surprise.**

**"Not exactly. I'm rambling to you," I said. "Talking to someone helps me to organize my thoughts, but I can't talk to Cathy because I wouldn't dare tell her about who I liked."**

**"Really?"**

**"Yes. You're the only one who knows I like anyone," I informed him.**

**"Cool," he said. He thought for a minute. "Well, if he's that mean...maybe you shouldn't directly tell him. Maybe you should just sort of hint."**

**"Uh...well, there's also the problem that he has a girlfriend," I said. "I wouldn't want to make any problems for him and his girlfriend. She gets jealous quite easily."**

**"Maybe if you told me who it was, I could help," he said. I smiled.**

**"You just don't give up, do you?"**

**"I'm **_**really**_** curious," he said. "But you're so stubborn that I can only guess."**

**I sighed. "You'll know when I tell him."**

**"How? Maybe he won't blab."**

**"Trust me, Draco, you'll know when he does," I said. "Well, you can go now."**

**He blinked. "You're done talking to me?"**

**"Yeah. I think...I'm going to tell him. After all, it's a big school. If he rejects me I can easily avoid him. He's not in my year, so I won't have any classes with him or anything."**

**Draco nodded. "Well, goodnight, Carina." He stood up and started to leave.**

**I couldn't wait for tomorrow. I'd be too scared then. My resolve would be gone.**

**Standing up, heart in my throat, I grabbed onto his hand. "Draco..."**

**He turned, and I found we were a tad bit closer than I'd anticipated. I looked at him for a moment, my mouth moving but no sound coming out. He stared at me.**

**And then it happened. I was so close to him, and so out of control. I leaned forward and pressed my lips against his, jarring him. Electricity shot throughout my body. I started squeezing his hand tightly, so terrified and ashamed of my actions. Tell him I liked him, yes, but force a kiss on him? He could not be enjoying this. But I couldn't move. I just stayed there, locked in a kiss, heart pounding and my eyes shut tight so I wouldn't have to look at him.**

**Eventually he squirmed. I let go of his hand and backed away from him. He was stunned. He just stood there, blinking. I started blinking, too, but more to keep the tears out of my eyes than to try and figure out what had happened.**

**"I'm sorry," I said. I pushed past him and left the secret passageway, heading to the Ravenclaw common room. **


	17. Chapter 17

**Verse: **

**"So I drive home alone./ As I turn out the light,/ I'll put his picture down/ And maybe get some sleep tonight./ 'Cause he's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar,/ The only one who's got enough of me to break my heart./ He's the song in the car I keep singing,/ don't know why I do./ He's the time taken up,/ But there's never enough,/ And he's all that I need to fall into./ Drew looks at me./ I fake a smile so he won't see." **

I walked alone back to my room. I liked that. I could hide my face without any witness to it. In my room, I turned out the light. The moon seeped in. I sat by the window. Cathy was still downstairs, studying with Greg. They hadn't noticed me come in. I didn't mind.

I held my guitar. I didn't want to play it. I just wanted to hold something. I cried lightly. Kissing Draco was too far. That was the last thing I'd ever wanted to happen. I guess this is what happens when you keep in your feelings for too long. They just come out in unexpected, uncontrollable rushes.

I packed away my guitar, willing myself to stop crying. I couldn't be a weak girl like that, to cry whenever something goes wrong. I never had before. I wasn't willing to start now.

I looked at my bedside table. I had several pictures there, of my family, my friends...I looked at the one depicting myself and Draco. I sighed and put it down so I wouldn't see it. My feelings were expressed. It was done. Maybe I'd get some sleep tonight without thinking of him.

When I woke up, my eyes felt sandy, like they always do when I cry myself to sleep.

It was sunny out. I had tests. The N.E.W.T.'s started today. I sighed and stood up, getting dressed in my robes and walking out of the door.

That day, when I was in the hallways, I'd duck out of sight or walk away when I saw Draco. I didn't want to face him after last night. I loved Draco too much. And even though I'd known all along that he wouldn't like me, I still couldn't let him confirm it. That's what comes of liking someone to an unhealthy point and never telling them. You can't deal with rejection. I'd not wait ever again. Because facing Draco was too terrifying a thought. After all, he's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar, and he's the only boy who I liked enough to let break my heart. Could I actually let him?

I was a little distracted and unresponsive that day, but still managed to throw myself wholeheartedly into the tests. I walked out confident I'd gotten good scores.

When I ate lunch in the Great Hall, I asked Cathy and Greg to sit across from me, so that I wouldn't have to see his table from where I was sitting, or him. I'd always hated how the time I spent with him was never enough, and now I was annoyed that the time of us just being friends was over. There hadn't been nearly enough for me.

"Carina, are you okay?" Greg asked me quietly. "You've been really quiet."

"I'm fine," I lied.

"Carina, are you in an argument with Draco?" Cathy asked. "Only, you asked us to sit between the two of you..."

"We're fine," I said.

"Should we shut up?" Greg asked.

"No, it's fine," I said.

Eventually, I had to go to my next test. I stood up, and for the briefest of moments, my eyes met Draco's. I faked a smile at him, so he wouldn't see how much I was hurting and embarrassed. Then I hurried away.

That night, I woke up to hear the sounds of shouting. I got out of bed and looked out the window. People were on the castle grounds, shooting curses from their wand tips.

Cathy was next to me. "Carina, hurry! The Death Eaters got into the castle!"

My blood turned icy. Cathy didn't know how to joke. This was totally serious. I grabbed my wand and ran out, down to the common room. Everyone else had gathered. I ran to the Head Boy and Girl.

"What's going on? What's happening?" I asked, along with everybody else in the room.

"Invasion," they said. "The Death Eaters are here. Fifth, sixth, and seventh years, help the teachers. Everyone else, _stay in the common room_."

I rushed out of the room, staring at the school outside. It was in chaos. Death Eaters were everywhere, destroying the school. I gaped. And then I closed my mouth. I had a sneaking suspicion.

I grabbed a Slytherin student's robes. "Have you seen Draco?" I asked him.

He nodded and pointed. I ran.

I found Draco near the staircase, avoiding the action. I grabbed him and whirled him around. At first he was terrified, and then relaxed when he saw it was me.

"Carina—"

"What is going on here?" I asked in a steely voice. "Did you...you let them in, didn't you?"

"It was my task," he said. "I had to."

"How could you? There are students here fighting, dying...How...why?"

"The Dark Lord made me," he said in a small voice. "And...he also is making me kill Dumbledore."

"Oh, by the way!" I laughed harshly. "You're going to kill the headmaster."

I began to turn.

"Carina!" he said, grabbing my arm. "Please...I didn't think he would make me. He's going to kill me if I don't. I...I didn't want to..."

I knew he didn't, of course. But...should I think about that? Should I let that influence my opinion?

Yes. It always had before. But, looking at the people around me dying and getting hurt, I knew I wouldn't let him know that.

"Where are you going?" he asked as I tried to walk away.

"To fight," I said.

"Wait, Carina..." he whirled me around to face him and stared me in the eye. "Carina...when you kissed me...do you love me?"

I...yes. I did love him. But...I couldn't let him get away with this.

I could see it on his face. He was going to break down at any moment. Maybe, if I told him yes, it would reassure him, make him feel better. No, I could see it on his face. He would feel on top of the world if I told him yes.

I thought again of what he'd done.

"Carina," he said again, his voice only a whisper, "do you love me?"

I did the most unspeakable thing.

"No," I said.

I lied.


	18. Chapter 18

Time passed after the battle. I finished at school, and lived with my parents for a while, trying to decide what job I could get that wasn't involved with the Ministry. It was far too infiltrated with the Dark Lords' servants.

I'd never really seen my house as a safe place. It was always too empty and dusty. And finally, the night came when I came home to hear screams from inside. When I unlocked the front door and walked into the living room, I found my dad facing a Death Eater, my mother dead on the ground next to him.

I whipped out my wand and silently threw a curse at him. A flash of orange light resonated through the room and the Death Eater fell, but not before that green light shot out of his wand and hit my dad, who also fell down dead. I gripped my wand tightly and grabbed the Death Eater's collar, turning him to face me. My curse had knocked him out and I took the time to take out his wand and snap it in half.

I looked at my parents' dead bodies and just stood for a few minutes. Tears collected in my eyes. I sat down and stared at the wall as I began to cry. I didn't notice the Death Eater get up and reach for my dad's wand.

When I looked up, he was pointing it at me and was mouthing the words of the killing curse. I fumbled for my wand and did some desperate waving. As green shot towards me, gold and white shot out of my wand and collided with the green. The minute the sparks touched it, the green dissipated. The Death Eater and I stared at one another in astonishment for a moment before he tried it again. Somehow, I produced the same effect. This went on for a few moments before I decided to end things and I knocked him out again. That was the night I started running from the Death Eaters. I knew that they were trying to get my parents to join them and my parents had refused. They were always scared of the rise of the Dark Lord. They didn't want to get mixed up in it, but somehow it had found them in a very bad way.

I sold the house and most everything in it. I used the money to start a small clinic in a small town. I got enough income from it, and I started researching the spell I'd somehow used on the Death Eater's curse. If something could null the killing curse, that would be...amazing. Revolutionary.

An employee of mine named Lila took me to her home one night and I met her brother Jason. He seemed like a nice boy, and I had a nice time talking to him. After that, he asked me out. I told him that I couldn't, that I was too busy mourning for my parents and running the clinic to date anybody. He said he understood and left.

He asked again a month later.

I sighed. "Jason, you're very nice, but..."

"You're still mourning?" he asked. He smiled sympathetically. "I can't even imagine what I would do if my parents were killed by Death Eaters...actually, I'd probably rage off and try to kill the bastard who did it."

I smiled faintly. "I did consider that. But my place is in healing, not hurting."

"Yeah. You're an amazing healer," he said. "I'll bet you'll soon be bringing people back from the dead. So, if you ever want to go out sometime...you know, when you're able to move on...let me know, okay?" He smiled and left. I waved after him but felt a little sick inside.

Okay, call me awful, but it wasn't my parents' death that had me not wanting to be with Jason. I mean, Jason was a very nice and sweet boy and he had a cute face, but I was so stuck on Draco. Every time I remembered our last night...when I lied...I felt sick to my stomach. I couldn't be with Jason until I could make things right again. Until I could either make it up to Draco and myself, or be in a similar situation and not lie, I would not be with anybody.

That night I worked further on my spell. My wand wouldn't produce the gold and white sparks. I tried to feign the emotion from the time and the pressing terror, but it still would do nothing. Maybe I needed to use it in the face of true danger.

That was proved partially correct a little later. When someone was brought into a clinic, badly hurt from a deadly curse, I knew I couldn't heal him and I could feel him dying under my fingertips. I waved my wand wildly, trying to make _something_ happen, and the gold and white sparks shot out. The curse disappeared from him and he woke up looking good as new.

That brought too much attention to my small clinic, and before long, I closed it and looked for a new place to work. I ran into the Order of the Pheonix and joined.

That was the beginning of my end.


	19. Chapter 19

Time passed while I was a part of the Order of the Pheonix. I was told to go and be a double agent, working for both the Order and the Death Eaters. That worked out so well. Not. I ended up with a Dark Mark on my arm due to it.

And I ran into Draco too many times.

He was still at school, but every now and then when the Dark Lord called everybody together, Draco would be there. Every time he saw me, he'd turn away, white-faced and angry.

One time, I tried to approach him. "Draco..."

"What is it?" he asked, as proud and arrogant as ever.

"I'm very sorry for upsetting you," I began, "but-"

"Upsetting me?" he asked coldly. "What on earth would give you that impression, Lutyens?"

Ouch. He's using the last name status. "Draco, please let me speak."

"Why? I'm sick of listening to you. All you ever do is tell me I'm wrong and stupid, or scold me, or treat me like a child, or-"

"That's because you _are_ a child, Draco, and you're certainly acting like one right now, _and_ I do _not_ just scold you or make you feel bad," I said.

"Or you kiss me for no reason, and then you go off and say..." his voice trailed off and he didn't look at me.

"I say that I don't love you," I said bluntly. "Why is that so hurtful to you? You don't love me, Draco, and you kiss people you don't love all the time, so I fail to see what's bothering you."

He didn't answer for a moment, just looked away from me. After a few seconds he mumbled, "Do you always encourage meaningless kisses? I thought you were too good for that."

"So, what, you didn't expect it? Is that the problem?"

"No. It's not. I just thought my friend wasn't some annoying little girl who goes around kissing any person she sees for her own pleasure."

I tightened a fist. It felt like he'd slapped me. "So I seem like a little slut to you now? It would be simple for someone to believe I'm an easy little whore?"

He didn't answer. I backed away. "Fine. Have it your way. I think I'll just go kiss another few Death Eaters now."

"Why are you even here? Weren't you the one against violence and hurting people and all that crap?" he said coldly.

I walked away without answering. I was fuming. How could Draco believe so easily that I would just kiss him for the heck of it? There had to be an underlying reason. But then, I knew Draco very well. He could be extremely petty. I wouldn't put this past him...

In any case, that was the only time I tried to talk to him. But I still tried to make him understand how sorry I was.

A few months later, he saw me in Hogsmead. I was doing a job for the Order. I smiled politely at him, and then turned and walked away. I ducked into the Three Broomsticks and got a light drink to help swallow the lump in my throat. Guess who he was with? Yep, darling Pansy.

I wanted to punch myself. How could I still love Draco, even after all of this time, after he'd made it clear he didn't want me around anymore? I felt so pathetic.

Someone tapped my shoulder, and I turned to see Draco standing behind me. I smiled at him awkwardly. "Do you need something?"

"Carina, I'm...sorry." He didn't look sorry at all. "What I said was uncalled for."

"Draco, what do you need?" I asked with a sigh, taking a sip of my drink.

"Nothing." He seemed irritated. "Why do you always assume I need something when I say sorry to you?"

"Because you never say it otherwise," I said. "So what is it?"

"_Nothing_, Carina," he said in annoyance. "I was being a jerk that time you talked to me."

"Uh-huh. Do you even remember what you said?"

"Do you?"

"No," I admitted. I was lying. I remembered it clear as day.

He sighed. "Look, I knew you didn't love me. I just wanted...well, if you did love me, that would be amazing, wouldn't it? I was embarrassed, because I thought that I was the person you had a crush on, but I obviously wasn't." I waited, and he scratched his head in embarrassment. "Yeah, that's all I had to say."

"Apology accepted," I said, looking at him brightly. "But I'm sure you knew I would. I'm sorry for kissing you, Draco. Believe me, I've berated myself nearly every day since I did it. Is Pansy waiting for you?"

He winced. "Yes. She's jealous again."

"Of?"

"You. She remembers you, and I think she thinks you're trying to steal me from her, or something stupid like that."

I smiled. "Isn't she crazy? Well, goodbye, Draco."

He blinked. "Goodbye, Carina. Erm...are you going to be around here very often?"

"No. I doubt I'll come back after this trip."

He nodded and left. I sighed and took a long drink from the cup in my hands. I'd really messed things up with that out-of-control kiss. Draco and I had always been best friends, and now he didn't even know my parents had died.

I paid for the drink and left the Three Broomsticks.


	20. Chapter 20

**Okay, last chapter, because I don't know how to keep this going. The song for this is "A Little Fall of Rain" from Les Mizerables. If you want to know the lyrics, look it up on google. **

The night came when my Dark Mark started burning, at the same time as a member of the Order of the Phoenix came knocking and told me that the Death Eaters were attacking Hogwarts. I grabbed my wand and ran, apparating into the castle grounds. I stared at the castle. It looked bad. The Dark Mark hovered over it, and people inside were screaming and things were crashing.

I wasn't sure who to fight against, as I was working for both the Death Eaters and the Order of the Phoenix. I decided to fight the Death Eaters. Inconspicuously, of course.

I rushed into the castle and started firing hexes and curses at the Death Eaters. I didn't kill anyone (purposely) but other people finished what I started.

I noticed a student fighting. A green killing curse was fired at them, and I waved my wand wildly, producing the sparks that nullified the killing curse. The Death Eater blinked and raised their wand again, but the student hit them with a hard curse, sending them through a window. I sighed and ran, ducking the curses. When I found students on the ground, I would drag them out of the way and if they weren't dead, I would try to heal them.

I kept this up for a while. It was much more agreeable to me than fighting. And while nobody healed the fallen Death Eaters, the students could keep coming back. For a while, there was an advantage in the area I was in. Until the Death Eaters realized the source of their problems and turned on me. I ran.

I hid away from them in another corridor, and fought with the people there.

Something struck me as I fought.

The school students were fighting.

The _students_ were fighting.

Draco.

I started running through the castle, fighting anyone in my way, and looking for Draco Malfoy. This was a serious fight. I didn't want him in it. I needed to find him, to keep him safe from anything.

Maybe if I hadn't done this, what happened could have been avoided. But dwelling on what if's never helped anyone, did it?

I found him. Someone was just firing a killing curse at him. I shrieked and sent the sparks at it. He whirled around in surprise, finding me fighting that student furiously.

"You do _not_ hurt him," I hissed at the student. I fired a nasty hex at them, and they were knocked out.

Draco blinked in surprise. "Carina...?"

I looked at him for a moment, before hearing someone behind us. I turned and saw two people fighting. A stray curse fired, and went flying in our direction.

We jumped to the side, and the curse hit the wall behind us. It exploded, and while I ducked over Draco, hiding him from the debris, I felt something hit my side. It flared once with white-hot pain, and then I couldn't feel my side anymore. I didn't dare look down.

When the wall was finished launching itself into the air, I didn't move. I was too stunned.

"Carina?" Draco said. "Are you bleeding?"

I was. I was bleeding all over his robes. I let go of him, and promptly fell over. He grabbed my arm in alarm.

"Oh my god," he said, looking at my stomach. "Quick, Carina, what spell would heal this?"

I didn't answer him. I just tightened my fists, staring at the ground.

"Carina? Come on, just tell me what to do, and you'll be fine."

I looked at him and tried not to laugh. It hurt to laugh. "Just let it be, Draco."

He looked up with dread. "What are you saying?"

"I'm a healer, Draco, but there's a point where magic can't do anything more."

Draco shook his head. "Don't say that. Come on, use that spark thing I read about, the spell that's supposed to get rid of any sort of injury."

Too bad my injury wasn't caused by magic. It was the only way the spell would work. However, I tried, to humor him. The sparks fell uselessly on my wound.

It started raining lightly through the broken roof.

"Stupid rain," Draco muttered.

"Don't say that," I said. "The rain is good. It'll make the flowers grow."

"You're crazy," he said.

I listened to the fighting around us. "Draco, leave. This is dangerous. The last thing we need is you dead."

"Oh, and we need you dead?"

I smiled at him and patted his hand. Outside, Voldemort started to call for Harry Potter.

"Damn Potter," he cursed.

"I'm sure he's very nice if you get to know him."

He snorted. I laughed and immediately regretted it, clutching my side. He jumped, reaching out. "Carina!"

I smiled and took a deep breath. He put his arms around me and I felt him crying into my hair. I liked having Draco's arms around me. It felt really nice.

"Should I move you out of the rain?" he asked. The people around us started moving away, fighting in other rooms, or they left looking for Potter.

"Draco, don't worry. I don't feel anything. The rain can't do any damage."

"Can't I do anything?" he asked in a small voice. He's such a little boy.

"You're here. That's good enough. Just keep me close."

"This isn't happening," he said firmly. "You're going to live, Carina. I'm going to do anything to keep you alive."

"Draco, just hold my hand and let it be." I was beginning to feel a little dizzy.

He bit his lip and held my hand so tightly that I winced. "I'm sorry, you know...I apologized before, but now I'm really sorry."

"It's alright. I forgive you." He wiped the rain off of my face and I smiled. "Draco, let it be. The rain can't hurt. It'll wash away everything that's passed. That's what the rain is here for?"

He took a shuddering breath. "Carina—"

"Draco, stop. It's okay. I'll be fine, and I'm in your arms, and that's all I need."

"You lied, didn't you?" he asked, putting his cheek against my forehead. "When you said you didn't love me?"

"Yes, I did," I said. I couldn't really see his face, and that scared me. I wondered why I didn't just die already. I squeezed his hand as my side flared with pain briefly. "Isn't the rain nice, Draco?"

"Why is that?"

"Well, because you're here with me, in it. Makes me feel like it's heaven blessed. Oh! It's starting to clear already."

He held me closer to him. "You're going to be okay..."

"Yes, I know. I'm resting now. It's nice. I'm so close to you..." He kissed my forehead. "Don't worry, Draco. I've told you so many times, but I'm okay. I don't feel any pain." Of course, I was lying to him. The pain was spreading up my body. I readjusted my grip on him wildly.

"It's okay, it's okay, I'm here," he said.

"That's all I need to know," I breathed. "You're here, and I feel safe, and you'll stay with me."

"Right."

"And it's raining. And rain will make the flowers..." I couldn't finish my sentence. My vision darkened. Draco held me even closer.

"Grow," he said, finishing the sentence and kissing me before everything went black.


	21. Chapter 21

**Someone sent me a message asking me what happened after she died, so I decided to write a little something demonstrating that. If Draco seems a little out of character, sorry, but he's older and, you know, depressed in this, so please don't come running after me with pitchforks.**

It was raining in the graveyard when Draco Malfoy arrived carrying a bouquet of white flowers. He was wearing a warm coat over his black robes. He approached a grave and set the flowers down at it, staring at the name with glassy eyes. The rain pounded as hard and cold as ever.

He sighed and checked his watch. There was an appointment he needed to make soon. He and his wife needed to take their son to get his Hogwarts supplies. He only had a few minutes.

Smiling, he thought of his wife. She was beautiful, obviously. As if Draco Malfoy would fall for anything else. She was beautiful and smart and funny and perfect in every way. It was rather odd, really. He once thought he'd never fall in love, and now he was willing to die for this one wonderful person.

"_Even if the person you love is an unkind, arrogant, vain, cruel, hideous person with no compassion whatsoever and loves to put you down, you'll fall in love."_

His smiled faded as the rain began to soak through his coat.

He'd met several women before he eventually settled with his wife. But even now, even when he was so crazy about his wife, there was always somebody who would have a nicer smile, a sweeter voice, warmer arms, a brighter glow, and softer lips. There would always be someone who he would murder his wife and son for if it meant saving her. Too bad he hadn't had any romantic feelings for her until she was dying...dying because she'd saved him...saved his life...

He fixed the bouquet so that it was more centered, working to swallow the lump in his throat. He thought back to her words during the warm springtime, sitting in the grass or in a special secret passage. Talking all about this boy she loved and how much she wished he was hers, telling Draco all about how he would scorn and ridicule her for it. He rather laughed to think he had hated this boy she talked about. After all, it had been him all along.

He wished he'd hugged her more. He wished he'd talked to her. He wished he hadn't been so ridiculous when she'd kissed him and stopped talking to her. Then he wouldn't have had to find out after she died that her parents had been murdered, that she was working for both the Dark Lord and the Order of the Phoenix, that she'd been asked out several times by persistent boys (who weren't him).

She'd died for him. That was what he thought of as the rain dotted his face with its cold lashes and the grave wavered in his vision. His watch ticked away insistently. He really needed to leave soon. She'd died for him. It made him feel awful. Because he knew he would never have done something like that. He'd never have put himself in such danger for anyone. But Carina...she was so good. So warm and loving. She'd taught him so many things. But he could never tell her all about it, and never be proud of himself in front of her. He could never tell her that he was miserable that he couldn't save her that night, and that now, to make up for that mistake, he would always try to save the people he loved, and even die for him. He thought she'd like that.

He could remember her laugh very well. Sometimes, when his wife laughed, he heard Carina's voice instead. Maybe that was what made him interested in his wife in the first place. They shared similarities. He liked that.

He sighed and whispered to the rainy day.

"I'm sorry that I didn't love you in time, Carina. So sorry." The rain beat endlessly on. "And...your confession was so sweet. It's heartbreaking to think back on. If only you hadn't died. If only it hadn't ended with goodbye."

The watch beeped. He sighed and swallowed hard to gather himself together before going to meet his family for their expedition. He turned from the grave and left the graveyard, shedding the sadness from him as he left. He saved his mourning for the graveyard. She hated sadness.

It continued to rain after he passed through the graveyard gate. Statues of angels dripped water from their stone chins in rivulets that looked like tears. The sky was grey and sad. Everything looked grey and sad. When he Apparated into Diagon Alley, people scurried along under umbrellas, trying to avoid getting wet, and some people were holed up inside the stores. But Draco walked along whistling, allowing the rain to soak through his coat. He didn't mind.

He met up with his wife and son. Scorpius made a face. "Dad, why don't you have an umbrella?"

"I like the rain," he announced. "What about you?"

"No, it's wet."

"Well, I think it's great and entirely necessary," he said, kissing his wife and ruffling Scorpius's hair.

"Why?"

"I don't quite know," he admitted. "But I guess…well…rain is what makes the flowers grow."


End file.
